by Joan Red Sea
E-ternal News

Jerusalem, Israel -- While supermarket tabloids are flooded with news of Mary Kate Olsen's struggles, we at E-ternal News remind you of the first story of a child star whose fame was too much for him to bear -- none other than Jesus himself. 

[The following story is reprinted from E-ternal News, vol. 10 no. 11, Copyright (c) 40 A.D. by E-ternal News]

The Birth Heard Round the World

"When Jesus was born it was like everyone was welcoming a new edition to their family," said Isaiah Desilu. "I think more people tuned into that birth than the birth of 'Little Ricky' on I Love Lucy. It was huge."

Indeed, Jesus' birth was said to bring new life and hope into the world. The fact that he was born in a stable seemed to suggest that he would be a star for the people. But for others, like shepherd Bob Stole, his birth signified a miracle.

"Let's just say that I know Joseph, and we're about the same age," Stole said. "The fact that he could make that happen gave me hope that one day I might be able to experience such joy again."

Despite Stole's hopes, people close to Jesus' family claim that a third party was actually responsible for his birth. Over the years, this has been used to both help and hurt the charismatic leader, along with women in the Catholic Church.

The World Don't Move to the Beat of Just One Drum

"Jesus just had that chubby little smile that made it impossible for you to get mad at him," said Elizabeth Baptist, a cousin to the family.

Jesus spent a lot of his youth in the temple providing comic relief to many nebbish Jews. According to popular midrash, when Jesus was told of the sections of Leviticus that prohibited such things as eating frog legs and wearing garments made out of more than one type of fabric, he said, "What'chu' talkin' 'bout." The rabbis nearly lost their yarmulkes with laughter.

Rebel, Rebel

But soon, Jesus' ideas would be no laughing matter. After living at home for what seemed like forever (even for a Jewish boy), Jesus became restless and started to wander around the country.

"I think at one point, he was living out of his car," said Jewish historian Tacitius.

While on the road, Jesus was said to have even formed a gang called the Apostles. Their gang sign, the icthus, can still be seen on walls and even cars today. Jesus and his gang went from one dive to another, offering hope to disenfranchised people and, some believe, stealing food to give to the homeless. They moved from town to town to stay one step ahead of the law.

What Went Wrong?

Out of a life of so much promise, came disaster. Many people blame Jesus' mother Mary for this. "She was your typical demanding stage mom," said Miriam Ramsey. "She expected too much. I can remember one time when she wanted to have Jesus make a comeback at this wedding in Cana. He wasn't ready though. He needed to find himself. He needed to have a chance to back pack through Europe and get an education. Mary never understood that."

Other people blame Jesus' turn for the worse on drugs. Yes, drugs. Apparently he spent hours watching "the carpet move" at a house in Bethany. The house was owned by Lazarus, a drug dealer. Insiders say that Jesus enjoyed going there to ease his tensions and to hang out with Lazarus' teenage sisters, Martha and Mary.

"One time we thought we were going to lose Lazarus," said Peter, a former member of the gang the Apostles before he got clean and started what some believe may someday be one of the biggest worldwide corporations. "The dude had O.D.ed, man. Jesus like mixed up this drink with a raw egg and some lamb grizzle. It was sick, but it did the job. Lazarus was okay!"

Epilog

Why is it that some child stars make it and others don't? While fan clubs for Jesus are still very strong around the globe, others say that there is a lesson to be learned in such a tragic life.

"He lived each day to the fullest, but it was good for Jesus that he died when he still had it," said media analyst Austin Spears. "Would so many people still be quoting him if he ended up like Marlon Brando?"

We don't think so, either.

Copyright 2004 by Nick Popadich
All rights reserved.