A group of Catholics claiming to be going on a pilgrimage to Rome were arrested today as they entered the Detroit Metro airport terminal. The group, made up of several nuns, priests and youth ministers, was found to have rosaries and bibles in its possession. Upon reading their Bible, it was clear that these people of "faith" had a set agenda to make the world see things their way.

Nun Of Your Business!

"They seemed rather arrogant when they were checking in," said Monica Blanchet of Metro's baggage check. "When I asked one of the nuns about where she was going she said, 'I ask the questions, Missy. Now tell me the 10 commandments!'"

Melvin Redding of Metro's security staff also noticed something questionable about the group.

"Whenever I see people all dressed alike and talking only to each other, a red flag goes off in my mind," said Redding. "I mean this is America, the land of freedom and individuality. When I see people all dressed the same, it stinks to high, well, heaven. In their veils and black attire I knew I was dealing with an ancient, backwards religious cult out to make my job a lot tougher."

Luckily, the group was halted at the new security stations improved after the horrific events of September 11th.

Instrument Of Death

"When they was goin' through the detector, this sister beeped," explained Terndall Evans, one of the new security staff members added this year. "I took my wand over that lady and found this huge cross hidden in her clothes. That thing be about 2-3 inches. And metal too. Now, why anyone need to have such a big cross? God ain't goin' to hear you better with that. It ain't got no radio frequencies on it. I knew it had to be a weapon -- like a metal dagger or somethin'."

Evans was most horrified by what he found the metal dagger attached to. "I pulled on it and found it attached to like 50 beads. That big lady was planning on choking someone."

While the nuns claimed that these "rosaries" were instruments of prayer, what foiled their plot was a careful analysis of the reading material they and the other members of this Catholic Crusade carried with them.

We Hold These "Truths" To Be Self-Evident

"We found several of the priests studying from what they consider to be sacred scripture," said Randall Stevens, FBI agent on the scene. "Several passages frightened us."

One of the passages in question was from what Catholics call the "Old Testament," a derogatory term that shows the lack of significance Catholics give to Jewish people. This group seemed to believe in one of the passages though. The passage from Ezekiel read, "if you warn the wicked, trying to turn him from his way, and he refuses to turn from his way, he shall die for his guilt, but you shall save yourself." Reading this it is clear that that the Catholics were on a mission to spread their faith and wreak havoc if others did not believe.

Yet another passage attributed to their martyred savior says, "No one shall come to the Father, except through me."

"Here we have a group of very demanding statements and beliefs," said FBI agent Stevens. "It is clear that these people believed that the only way to save the world was for all to be aligned to their way of thinking. Judaism and Islam just won't cut it. But even more troubling is the problem that they have with our culture. Americans love material things, capitalism, and independence. There is no room for that in the view of Catholics today."

Fundamental Misunderstanding

Response by Catholics worldwide shows that all fall under a unified front. Most seem to deny that their faith teaches the need to follow Christ at all costs.

"There are many verses in the bible that if taken literally, could lead to disaster" said Fr. Sam Keener, Flint. "We as a faith and we as a people have grown tremendously in acceptance of all people since they were written. We also often don't realize their original context. Taken out of context they can be misunderstood."

Many Muslims have also come to the defense of the Catholics under arrest. "We as faithful Muslims don't believe in the radical ideas of Osama bin Laden, so we can understand that most Catholics don't follow a fundamental approach to the Bible either," said Abin Salmar. "These faiths are both based on the ideas of the same God. It is sad to see political agendas and fear get in the way of acceptance and cooperation."

Copyright 2002 by Nick Popadich
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