by Kelsey MacKenzie
God is Good Teen Magazine

It is official. The worldwide Lenten tour "Palms of Passion" has been cancelled. The Christian boy band sensation "J-Town Bible Boys N'Touch with G-dog" has called it quits. Some industry insiders claim to have seen this coming, citing differences in the band members faiths as the guarantee of an eventual break up. But the rest of world is left asking the question, "What will we do now?"

Judas -- but definitely not a "Priest"

Sources say that there has been a rift in the band for quite sometime. Critics are quick to point out Methodist tenor Jeremy Rezick's problem with drugs, alcohol and girls. Six months ago, he was asked to attend a retreat weekend to rejuvenate his faith. The result -- he was caught with marijuana -- and a freshman girl -- in his room.

"I would just like to say that I find it appalling that people are still so judgmental," said Rezick, 21. "Wasn't Jesus always found with the tax collectors and prostitutes? I think I'm living his mission better than most people. And the drugs -- I have a prescription for them."

The other band members were initially sympathetic with Rezick's condition, but a recent incident in which he was found inside a convent had the group thinking of a replacement. The singer's Christian "bad boy" image was just too intense. This Judas was bringing down the whole band.

It's my Theology; it's the way that I want to live

But not even Rezick's wild lifestyle could bring down a group as strong as J-Town Bible Boys N'Touch with G-dog. Inside sources say differences in religious opinions were the real cause of the breakup. Trouble arose most recently over lyrics for their new album.

"I personally thought the lyrics were the sorriest excuse of blending words with melodies that I had ever heard," said Catholic bass vocalist Todd Amster, 20. "The other guys took offense to that and wouldn't let me change them."

"The lyrics cannot be changed," said Fundamentalist tenor Kevin Bandurki, 24. "They are divinely inspired. Maybe we should just go ahead and change words in the bible to fit our own needs! I am an instrument of God. I write what He tells me."

Problems continued to arise between this "instrumentalist" fundamentalist and his Catholic band member, Amster, who thought it was time to take the band's lyrics in a different direction.

"I just thought we should soften our message and be more respectful of faiths other than Christian ones," said Amster. "God created all of us, and His love is for everyone -- though I'm sure we all kind of interpret that holy experience differently. I no longer felt comfortable singing songs like 'Boo to Buddha' and 'Hindu Doctors don't have a cow.'"

Other band members disagreed. "Todd went too far," said Baptist baritone Shawn Stevens. "He wanted us to use words like 'ecumenical' and stuff. I mean, what rhymes with 'ecumenical', dude? You know what I'm sayin'?"

CD Tower to Heaven

Amster's objection to the lyrics was not the only problem the band had with him. Rumors have it that the Catholic tenor was secretly selling bootleg cuts of the band's best concerts. His marketing ploy? "Indulge yourself: buy a CD and your sins will be forgiven."

"What Todd allegedly did is so sad," said Episcopal bass Justin Bateman. "I mean, paying money to have sins forgiven or to go to heaven is just, like, such a dark hour in the church's history. Todd knows better than that."

"What Todd did just shows that Protestants and Catholics will never be able to get along," said Bandurki. The tenor fundamentalist, along with the other band members, is suing Amster for a cut of the profits from the bootleg concert CDs in question.

Resurrection?

Band members currently say they will be pursuing independent projects. The band that became famous with songs like "Jews don't be hatin'" and "God Rocks with Us - U Should 2" is now just a memory. But who knows -- perhaps there will be a resurrection.
Stranger things have happened.

Copyright 2002 by Nick Popadich
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