Four Parenting Styles
Part V: The Balanced Parent

by Brandon Jubar

Being a parent has never been easy and recent studies show that parents today are facing levels of stress and anxiety beyond anything that parents have dealt with in recent memory. One negative effect of this constant pressure is that parents have a difficult time maintaining a balanced approach to raising children and often find themselves struggling to love their children while setting appropriate boundaries.

In the first four articles of this series we looked at three of the four major styles of parenting: the Apathetic Parent, who shows little love and maintains soft boundaries; the Dictator Parent, whose style is low on love but high on setting (and enforcing) appropriate boundaries; and the Push-Over Parent, who maintains soft boundaries while using love to motivate children. Though two of these styles have some positive characteristics, the best thing to do is to strive for a healthy balance between setting boundaries and showing love.

Children Deserve Respect

Being a Balanced Parent means setting very clear, meaningful boundaries for children while reinforcing everything with love. It is a style that must be based on the belief that children are equal to parents in the eyes of God, and that they are worthy of trust and respect. Our children are not possessions or pets. They are human beings and deserve to be treated with dignity.

Equality in the eyes of God does not, however, mean that a family should be a democracy. Especially in larger families, parents would always be out-voted by the children (imagine cake and ice cream for dinner every night). The equality I'm talking about is in regards to a child's need for dignity and self-worth. When it comes to level of responsibility and decision-making, the burden falls mainly to the parents. Although the Balanced Parent will often asked for input from the child in regards to decisions that affect the family, the parents, much like the Governor of a State, have veto-power over decisions that may affect the health and well-being of children.

Balanced Parents and Christian Beliefs

In many ways, the Balanced Parent has a style that is based on solid Christian principles. The Golden Rule, treat others the way you want to be treated, is at the heart of what the Balanced Parent believes. Following are a few, more specific, beliefs that guide the Balanced style:

• Discipline is not the same as punishment. When a child is disciplined, it is done in order to teach and correct behavior, not to punish or chastise.
• Parents need to set the example for proper behavior. They must preach correct behavior and practice it.
• Guilt and shame are not tolerable ways of changing a child's behavior. Children must be encouraged to make positive changes and try new things.
• Constant instruction and direction become counter-productive. Children should be taught how to solve problems and allowed to try solutions (and make mistakes).
• Actions have consequences, which is an important means of learning. And it's okay to experience frustration, which we all must learn to handle properly.

Set Expectations -- Don't Make Demands

The Balanced Parent understands that children are growing towards responsibility. It is the parents' job to give children the tools, and instill solid values, that will allow them to become good Christians when they grow up.

The Balanced Parent sets boundaries by setting clear, realistic expectations. The children learn to cooperate because they are loved and respected, but learn to face the consequences of their choices. Obviously, the parents still have the right to "veto" what children want to do, especially when it involves their health and well-being. But children are allowed to make mistakes where appropriate. If they fail, they are not shamed or made to feel guilty, and the expectation is not perfection.

Achieving Balance

The Balanced Parent understands that too much love, especially without appropriate limits, causes parents to become too caught up in their children. It hinders their ability to teach and guide, and can mix their personal self-esteem with that of their children. But the Balanced Parent also knows that setting too many boundaries and making too many demands causes forces them to become too rigid, stifling the ability to have a healthy, loving relationship with their children.

Finding a good balance of love and boundaries can be difficult, and maintaining that balance takes a conscious effort, but it's certainly worth it in the long run. The children of Balanced Parents have the best chance of learning, growing, and thriving in this difficult world in which we live. Perhaps one day they'll have children of their own and will raise them better thanks to the balanced example their own parents set.

Life Applications:

In what ways are you similar to the Balanced Parent?
What changes do you need to make to become more balanced?
How do you bind a balance between boundaries and love?

Copyright 2006 by Brandon Jubar
All rights reserved.