Four Parenting Styles
Part 4: The Push-Over Parent

by Brandon Jubar

Being a parent has never been easy and recent studies show that parents today are facing levels of stress and anxiety beyond anything that parents have dealt with in recent memory. One negative effect of this constant pressure is that parents have a difficult time maintaining a balanced approach to raising children and often find themselves struggling to love their children while setting appropriate boundaries.

In the first three articles of this series we looked at the four major styles of parenting and then focused on the Apathetic Parent, who shows little love and maintains soft boundaries, and the Dictator Parent, whose style is low on love but high on setting (and enforcing) appropriate boundaries. The third parenting style has some similar characteristics to the Apathetic Parent in that the Push-Over Parent maintains soft boundaries. But unlike the Apathetic Parent, the Push-Over uses love to motivate children. Though this seems okay on the surface, there are some inherent problems with this style of parenting.

Love, Not Boundaries

While Apathetic Parents don't care much at all, the Push-Over Parents use love as their main style. They end up being very permissive when it comes to their children's desires because they place far more importance on loving their children -- making them feel special and boosting their self-esteem -- than on setting boundaries for them.

Push-Over parents are very focused on loving their children but have difficulty setting firm boundaries. In fact, the quickest way to identify Push-Over parents is by their use of inconsistent discipline. For example, the television goes off during dinner one night but remains on the next. They use reason and negotiation to get a child's obedience, and then use their relationship with the child to help teach good judgment.

Believe it or not, children do want to please their parents. That is why the Push-Over parent is not necessarily an ineffective parent. Children are very likely to follow directions when they know the person loves and cares for them.

Push-Over Parent Weaknesses

Everything is not perfect for the Push-Over parents because there are weaknesses to the style that make it ineffective in the long-term. First of all, because of the inconsistent boundaries described earlier, children learn to manipulate Push-Over parents. In fact, the inconsistent boundaries set by the Push-Over parent almost reward the child's manipulative behavior. When the child realizes that he can get his way in most situations, he will continue to manipulate because of the sense of control he feels within the relationship.

Another weakness of the Push-Over parents is that they end up feeling like slaves to their children and they inevitably become martyrs. Because they love their children so deeply, they are hurt deeply when they are taken advantage of. As their children continue to disrespect them, showing no appreciation for all that they have done, the Push-Over parents' anger slowly comes to a boil. It is not uncommon to find Push-Over parents who have become verbally abusive because their anger has gotten the best of them.

Push-Over Parent Improvements

As selfish as it may sound, Push-Over parents must learn to take care of themselves first. Doting on children who end up disrespecting you would exhaust anyone, so the Push-Over parents need to start ensuring that they are happy and healthy before they focus all of their attention on someone else. If Push-Over parents don't take care of themselves, they end up being bitter and resentful at their family.

The second thing Push-Over parents must do is to practice setting firm boundaries, rules and limits. If the television is supposed to be off at dinner time, then turn it off no matter what. (Note: While focusing on setting firm boundaries, it can be helpful to look for a role model -- someone you know who has a stricter, boundary-setting style of parenting.)

And finally, Push-Over parents can improve their style by learning a wider variety of parenting skills. They could take a parenting class through their local hospital, school, or community education program. They could go to the bookstore or library and pick up a couple books on assertiveness.

With a little study and a lot of practice, even Push-Over parents can learn to set better boundaries.

Life Applications:

In what ways can you identify with the Push-Over parent?
How difficult is it for you to set boundaries with your children?
What have you done to improve your parenting skills?

Copyright 2006 by Brandon Jubar
All rights reserved.