Four Parenting Styles
Part 3: The Dictator Parent

by Brandon Jubar

Being a parent has never been easy and recent studies show that parents today are facing levels of stress and anxiety beyond anything that parents have dealt with in recent memory. One negative effect of this constant pressure is that parents have a difficult time maintaining a balanced approach to raising children and often find themselves struggling to love their children while setting appropriate boundaries.

In the first two articles of this series we looked at the four major styles of parenting and then focused on the Apathetic Parent, who shows little love and maintains soft boundaries. The second parenting style has some similar characteristics in that the Dictator Parent shows little love, but unlike the Apathetic Parent, the Dictator sets hard boundaries and will not negotiate or compromise.

Setting Limits

The Dictator style of parenting is basically one of authority and respect. The Dictator parent can be harder to find but can often be identified by his or her stern demeanor and very strict regulation of the child's activities. Again, this parenting style is low on love but high on setting (and enforcing) appropriate limits.

The Dictator style is often found in families where there is a very clear hierarchy among the family members, usually with dad at the top, followed by mom and the kids. It is rare indeed to see the children of a Dictator Parent screaming and carrying on in public (or in the home, for that matter).

This authoritarian style is certainly not popular in this day and age because it is viewed as being to cold and stifling to children, but it cannot be denied that the Dictator keeps his or her kids in line and they most certainly show respect.

Authoritarian or Authoritative?

The Dictator parenting style actually has a great deal of strength and can be very effective. The problems usually occur when there is a focus on punishment instead of discipline. Punishment is an outside means of control utilized by the parent to keep the child on the right path. However, when the parent is not around to maintain the threat of punishment, the child may quickly stray from the "straight and narrow" path. It is the fear of punishment -- a force that is purely external -- that keeps the child in line, so when that force is gone, so is the desire to do what's right.

In order for a Dictator to improve his or her parenting skills, the parent must move from an "authoritarian" to an "authoritative" approach. The authoritative approach can still support the family hierarchy and respect, but the control comes from within as well as from without. It's motivation caused by fear of punishment vs. motivation caused by self-discipline.

When parents are authoritative, they are knowledgeable guides, teaching children right from wrong so that when the external motivator (the fear of spanking, for example) is not immediately present, the children make good decisions. Any child will figure out what to do in order to avoid being punished. The key is to instill in them the desire to make good decisions regardless of who's watching.

Life Applications:

Who do you know who exhibits the Dictator parenting style?
What makes you think that he or she is a Dictator parent?
Do you exhibit some Dictator characteristics?

Copyright 2005 by Brandon Jubar
All rights reserved.