Four Parenting Styles
Part 2: The Apathetic Parent

by Brandon Jubar

Being a parent has never been easy and recent studies show that parents today are facing levels of stress and anxiety beyond anything that parents have dealt with in recent memory. One negative effect of this constant pressure is that parents have a difficult time maintaining a balanced approach to raising children and often find themselves struggling to love their children while setting appropriate boundaries.

The first article in this series briefly described four major styles of parenting, and the first of those four styles is the Apathetic Parent, who shows little love and maintains soft boundaries.

Tune Out -- Don't Opt Out

The Apathetic style of parenting is basically one of uncaring or indifference. The Apathetic parent can usually be spotted by his or her emotional detachment from the child and a seeming lack of regulation of the child's activities.

Have you ever witnessed children screaming and carrying on while mom or dad is doing something else, apparently oblivious to the inappropriate behavior? To a certain degree, parents should tune-out some of the antics of their children, but that is different than ignoring behavior that is obviously improper. Parents should not opt out of teaching their children how to act properly.

Children will not naturally learn what is acceptable and what is not. Setting boundaries and explaining right from wrong is the responsibility of the parents, and it is necessary for the healthy development of children. Generally speaking, the Apathetic style does not adequately meet the needs of children.

Apathy Can Become Abuse

Emotional detachment, however, does not always mean that the parent doesn't try to discipline the child. Boundaries may have been set, but they are not enforced consistently. In fact, sometimes the emotional detachment has developed because of failed attempts at discipline that have escalated to abuse. Allow me to illustrate:

The parent wants the child to stop playing with toys on the wooden furniture, so the parent yells and threatens to get rid of the toys if the child doesn't stop. The child continues to play on the furniture, perhaps arguing with the parent first.

When the behavior doesn't stop or change, the parent becomes apathetic and ignores the child. This is what the child wants, so the behavior is actually reinforced. The child learns that ignoring (or arguing) means that the child gets his or her way.

This cycle (yelling/threatening -- ignoring/arguing) can quickly escalate to the point where the parent resorts to physical violence and abuse. If the child then relents and stops playing with toys on the wooden furniture, the abusive behavior by the parent is reinforced (i.e. the parent subconsciously "learns" that the child's improper behavior is corrected by yelling and/or hitting). If, however, the child does not comply and continues to ignore or argue with the parent, the parent may either give up and simply ignore the child or become more abusive out of sheer frustration.

Bad Parenting or Misunderstanding?

What may seem ironic is that, oftentimes, parents exhibiting the Apathetic style of parenting actually think they are doing the right thing. They certainly don't think of themselves as "bad" parents. The emotional detachment seems to make it easier for them to believe that the ends justify the means. In other words, getting the child to obey is important enough that almost any methods are acceptable.

Because of this, helping an Apathetic parent is not as simple as showing the parent other ways to correct a child's behavior. The Apathetic parent must recognize that what he or she has been doing is not appropriate. Helping an Apathetic parent requires a significant change in the parent's beliefs about what makes a "good" parent. It is as much a matter of orthodoxy (right belief) as it is orthopraxis (right practice).

Life Applications:

Who do you know who exhibits the Apathetic parenting style?
What makes you think that he or she is an Apathetic parent?
Do you exhibit some Apathetic characteristics?

Copyright 2005 by Brandon Jubar
All rights reserved.