In The Parenting Game, Get The Right Coach

by Marybeth Hicks

In The Parenting Game, Get The Right Coach

The waiting room at the dance studio is filled with parents, moms mostly. They're chatting idly -- talking about the usual stuff like school, schedules and struggles with kids. I drift in and out of the conversation as I peruse a discarded copy of a woman's magazine.

The article that catches my eye is about "parent coaches." Not parents who coach sports teams. This is a new line of consulting to help parents "navigate the growing number of ordinary snags in daily life and, most importantly, help parents feel good about themselves while they do it."

The Experts Offer Common Sense

Mundane issues like a kid who won't eat vegetables can be coached, as can problems such as teenage rebellion. Parent coaches offer a range of solutions and then parent clients "choose the one that works best." The coaches in the article have some letters after their names designating them as experts, but they say their advice is mostly common sense. Coaching ranges from $20 for a group session to $250 for a couple hours of telephone time each month.

Frankly, this article struck me as an illustration of what's wrong these days. A parent coach? When I put the question out to the other moms at the dance studio, one of them said, "I thought that's what your in-laws were for."

Exactly. This article describes the notion of parent coaching in glowing terms, but when you read it, you're thinking, why don't these people call their mother or a friend? Ask co-workers over lunch? See the pediatrician or the school's guidance counselor or the pastor at church? For crying out loud, your cashier at Meijer probably has kids. Strike up a conversation!

Mom Tells It Like It Is

My best parent coaches are my mom and two sisters. Not just because talking to them is free. Like the parent coaches in the article, they offer advice based on common sense.

My Mom doesn't have formal training as a coach, just a track record of steering six kids to independence and beyond. What she knows they can't teach anyway. She doesn't mince words. If she thinks I'm wrong, she's not going to sugarcoat it. And who's not out there creating neuroses in their kids that will someday have to be corrected by a therapist? We're all making mistakes and a good coach will tell you so.

My sisters also are great coaches. One sister's family is about seven years ahead of mine, so she offers concrete examples of how she tackled my current problems. The other has little ones, so her discoveries help remind me of important parenting fundamentals, critical coaching as the rest of our household gets so much older than our six-year-old.

Does Good Parenting Always Feel Good?

As for "feeling good" about parenting, this must be why they make the big bucks. But you probably won't get your money's worth no matter what you pay a coach. Good parenting doesn't always feel good. In fact, parents who are courageous, consistent and concerned make difficult decisions that disappoint their kids. Does it feel good to tell your daughter she can't go to the movie her friends have chosen? Or to cancel a sleepover when your son bails on the chores? Making hard choices is the name of the game, and all the coaching in the world won't make it any easier.

The language of parent coaching seems more appropriate for management training than parenting. It's all about goals and outcomes, strategies and tactics. It seems to seek optimal performance instead of character development. Can you imagine if you called your best friend to talk about curfew trouble and she asked you to articulate your measurable objectives? "I'd like to improve Susie's curfew compliance by 40 percent on Saturday night."

Since parent coaches rarely meet their clients face-to-face, but instead consult by email or telephone, wouldn't all the advice be pretty standard? Why not just buy a book?

The Coach Should Probably Know The Team

It can't be good for families if paid parent coaches are replacing actual communities of interested people. The article says parents hire coaches because they "can't or won't tap older relatives for advice." You have to feel badly for anyone whose network of friends and family is so limited that they're paying someone to talk on the phone about their most important decisions -- those that affect their kids.

The article leaves me shaking my head, so I rejoin the conversation in the waiting room. As the moms at the dance studio offer encouragement and insight to one another, it's clear to me that the best parent coaches are the people you already know.

Life Applications:

Who helps you when you need parenting advice?
What is your opinion of parent coaching?
What would you say to someone who is considering a parent coach?

Copyright 2004 by Marybeth Hicks
All rights reserved.