Marriage: Does "Fair" Mean "Equal"?

by Brandon Jubar

How many times have you heard it? It has been said a thousand different ways, which is the only reason it has not risen to the status of a cliche: men and women should be treated as equals. It is the battle cry of many a feminist, as is the less popular version: a good marriage is a marriage of equals.

Yet I submit to you: Is this really what we want?

I Like 'Me', but...

Over the years, I've heard many a love bird say, "We have sooooo much in common!" This line is spoken as if it is the most important thing in the world -- as if nothing could matter more. The same music, the same movies, the same taste in clothing, the same favorite color, the same sense of humor, the same likes and dislikes... obviously the most compatible people ever!

Or are they????

It seems to me that if I found someone who liked the same music, movies, clothing and all that, the novelty would wear off quickly. After all, if I found someone just like me, wouldn't hanging out with that person be a lot like hanging out with myself? Where's the fun in that? I get to spend almost every waking minute with myself (notice I said 'almost'), so I pretty much get my fill of 'me'. No thank you! I'll take someone different!

Opposites Attract

Now, there's a cliche! "Opposites attract". Over the years, I've heard this one as well. It's usually used to describe a couple who is doing great in spite of what their friends predicted. People say it almost as a negative -- or at least as a means to explain that which they assume should not work. Those who believe that the "opposites attract" phenomenon is the exception and not the rule should take a lesson from the science of magnetism -- polar opposites strongly attract! Thus it is with people.

Okay, so maybe not polar opposites. There obviously needs to be something in common, but there definitely must be some things that are different. If you agree with the sentiment that your significant other should "complete" you, then you probably agree with this concept of opposites attracting. For if your significant other is exactly like you, how does that person "complete" you? All their presence does is provide more of the same!

Fair vs. Equal

In my mind, the responsibilities present within a marriage -- including the very concrete things such as maintaining the household -- must be divided fairly between the husband and wife. I say "fairly" because the only times things are "equal" is in mathematics and money. Trying to force a quantitative measure on something as fluid as a marriage is an exercise in futility. We must judge our relationships using qualitative measures -- and thus I prefer the concept of "fairness".

Let's use an illustration.

The husband is at the office all day, comes home and eats dinner, uses the tractor to mow the lawn, then watches Monday Night Football. The wife is at home all day with the kids, fixes (and cleans-up after) three meals, does laundry at nap time and in between minding the kids (i.e. spanking, playing, changing diapers, reading books, etc...), gives them a bath while hubby mows, then folds and puts-away all of the clothes while he watches football. Finally, she crawls off to bed exhausted while he lays in bed and reads a book.

Is this equal? Is this fair?

Given the facts as I have presented them, it is definitely not equal. Obviously, the wife has put in many more hours than the husband, and her labor is much more physically taxing. She has done virtually everything to maintain their home, while he has managed to merely mow the lawn (while sitting on his butt, nonetheless).

As I have said, though, my contention is that the quantitative measure of "equal" is not appropriate here, and can actually lead to grave misunderstandings. In order to judge whether or not this marriage is "fair", we need to look deeper.

Anatomy of a Marriage

First of all, regardless of the "measure" used, an entire marriage cannot be judged based upon a single day. The marriage is more than a single day, so it must be looked at in total.

Second, we must look at the motives, intentions, desires and needs of the husband and wife. In our example, the husband does not watch TV while the wife works because he thinks that doing laundry is "women's work". On the contrary, he would gladly help, but the wife prefers to do it herself. Things are folded a certain way, organized the way she likes them, and she truly does take pride in caring for her family. Much the same as the husband takes pride in maintaining the lawn and landscaping. They each have "ownership" and get satisfaction from the arrangement. None of which can be seen by looking at the surface.

Another thing that is glossed-over is the fact that the husband has a stressful job. The work he does may not be physically taxing, yet it is mentally draining. Home, for him, is a safe haven. A place to recuperate. This is not to say that he should be allowed to simply come home and relax, with no responsibilities around the house. That would definitely not be fair. It simply recognizes the fact that he is only home for a few waking hours each day and his entire contribution to the marriage and family should not be judged based upon that short period of time. That is similar to judging the wife's day based upon the fact that she watched her soap opera while the kids were napping.

The wife, in our example, has chosen to be a wife and mother -- it is her vocation, her career. And much like any other career, it has its good points and bad. She works long hours performing often-strenuous work for no direct pay and infrequent recognition. Like any professional person, she is not always completely happy with her choice -- and she has some very bad days -- but overall, she is pleased with her "job". The perks far outweigh the lack of pay: hugs and kisses every morning, tickling and wrestling on the living room floor, being the first to hear almost every new word learned, and being the object of a love that is absolute and unconditional (to name a few).

Equal? No, not really. Fair? I think so. I'm sure there are days when the wife thinks her husband got the better deal. On the flip side, there are plenty of days when the husband thinks the exact same thing about his wife. Neither is always completely satisfied with their lot in life. I don't think anyone is. This does not mean that either is being oppressed. Neither can be said to have the short end of the stick, for they each have their own stick.

The Balancing Act

Both husbands and the wives have their unique roles and responsibilities within the marriage. Sometimes they overlap or are shared, but often they are separate and unique. In today's two-income world, the workday roles may often be similar, and things should be different.

The couple must achieve balance, and it may be quite different than the couple in our example. Studies have shown that, even in today's more liberated society, wives who work outside of the home still perform most of the household chores. Whether they choose to do so or are compelled to do so by their husbands' actions (or inaction) is a topic of great debate, and I will not even attempt to address it here.

One thing I believe, though, is that couples in such a situation should still focus on the qualitative and not the quantitative. In a marriage, that is the only way to truly achieve balance. A marriage does not need to be equal, but it should always strive to be fair.

Life Applications:

For the married folks:
Are the responsibilities within your marriage fairly divided?

Have you and your spouse achieved balance? Explain.

For the single folks:
How would you describe your parents' marriage (or the marriage of older relatives)?

Do you think it would be easy for you to achieve balance if you were to marry? Why or why not?

For everyone:
What do you think about this idea of "fair vs. equal"? Do you agree or disagree? Why?

Copyright 2003 by Brandon Jubar 
All rights reserved.