Smart Family Values

When Children Marry

by Carlene Smart

Prologue: Carlene was recently contacted by a reader who challenged her right and ability to offer advice on family matters. Please take a moment to read Carlene's response.

I have a married son, and am now familiar with the new challenges this situation brings. I recently received an email from a reader who expressed frustration similar to that which I've experienced:

"Since my daughter has married, we don't do anything anymore. She never has time to talk, and often acts like I'm intruding in her life. She used to listen to my advice, and most of the time took it. Now she flat out tells me she doesn't want to hear it. I'm insulted, and hurt. I was her mother for 20 years, and suddenly she has no use for me. What gives?"

Does Marriage Severe Parents' Role?

As parents, we are used to providing boundaries and guidelines for our children. Gradually we let them have more responsibility, so they can make choices on their own. Quite often, "gradually" becomes a sudden halt once our children get married.

Letting go of control is very difficult for most of us. It's natural to want to hold on and fix any problems that come up -- including what's going on in an adult child's relationship. It's natural to want to know what's happening and how things are going. However, our children often want their privacy and space, and don't want us to know their personal details. Just as we do not share our marital problems with them, they do not want to share their issues with us.

This is what I've learned from my son's almost 4-year old marriage:

• Keep my advice to myself.
• Try not to take sides.

Changing Roles: Listen, Don't Advise

My son is a very private person, and only wants to talk when he feels overwhelmed. By then, he simply needs to vent his feelings so he can process them. He usually doesn't need my help, he just needs me to listen.

Occasionally he needs me to ask a few questions.
How do you feel about that?
What do you think your choices are?
What do you want to do about it?

But this is something I've learned over time. In the beginning, I wanted to rush in and fix everything like I did when he was small. What he needs is to know, though, is that I am here for him if he needs me, and that I believe in his ability to handle problems that came up. Like a baby bird being pushed from the nest by its mother, he knows that after a few tries he will fly on his own.

Changing Roles: Passive Parenting

Our role as a parent changes when our children marry. It becomes more passive, on an "as needed" basis. When children are constantly looking to their parents for everything, they become needy and unable to make it on their own. We're not talking about helping married children to get started in life. What we're talking about is allowing them to grow by letting them make their own mistakes -- and thus learn from them.

I am still my son's protector, but now I protect his ability to make the right choices. I reaffirm his ability to reason things through. And I help to cheer on my daughter-in-law's loving nature by giving her the right to make her own mistakes without me pointing them out.

My son and daughter-in-law are very busy and have little opportunity for social time with mom. This separation can be uncomfortable at times, but I take great pride in this young couple who can weather the storms without calling me every five minutes. And I am proud to see how they have both grown in the past two years. Their journey has taken them far.

As our children become adults, we have to learn how to parent from "the background" and take our clues from our married children. Some may want daily contact and advice, but we must be careful what we give. Remember that it's not our marriage.

Their Life as a Couple

When people get married, they need time to establish their life as a couple. Though they are still individuals, they have a new mutual aspect to their lives that must be developed. And if you want to be part of it, you have to do it on their terms. What I found is that when I allowed my son and daughter-in-law time to themselves, they ended up having more time for me.

We raise children to become independent adults, able to take care of themselves and their families, don't we? Just because an adult child seems to no longer need you or your time, doesn't mean that the child doesn't love you. It simply means they're busy making their new life, and that you've probably given them the right tools to carve it out without a day to day guidance call.

Staying In Touch

When I haven't heard from my son I keep in touch with him by leaving a message on his answering machine -- and we live in the same town! Sometimes he calls when he gets out of work (at 1:30 am) just to say "hi, how are you?"

He knows where I am, and I take no offense at his "lack of attention". He spent 26 years being my son and, if the Lord is willing, he'll spend at least the next 26 still being my son. But at the moment, he's working on being Lindsay's husband -- and that's his full time job.

Life Applications:

Questions for parents of married children:

The Lord tells us to grow in Him, and to mature. Are you allowing your married child to grow and mature without making the choices for him or her?

Marriage is a Holy union, and needs all the support we can give, even if we don't approve of a person's choice of spouse. Do you do all you can to show your child and his/her spouse emotional support and, in so doing, convey God's love for them? Why or why not?

How can you be a better listener? If you're not close to your child or his/her spouse, how could you change that -- and would God want you to?

Questions for married people:

Do your parents give you room or do they meddle in your life?

How do your parents show love and support to you and your spouse?

Do you find your conversations with your parents to be more "advising" than sharing? What do you need from your parents?

Copyright 2002 by Carlene Smart
This article has been provided by ParishWebmaster.com