Smart FAMILY VALUES

Even In Losing, We Win

by Carlene Smart

I've recently had the pleasure of attending some sporting events that some very talented young people have participated in. For the most part, these young people have displayed good character, and good team spirit -- in spite of some poor role-models.

Winner Takes All?

One of the most difficult challenges facing a sports player of any age is the fact that there can be only one "winner". If one has to lose, it is much easier to lose by a close margin, rather than getting blown out of the water.

Our children do listen to our opinions, and they do watch our reactions. I recently heard one man in the stands making very rude comments about the referees and the losing team and their players. He had a small son (probably about 7) listening and taking it all in. Several times this man made remarks about the losing team. When the game was over, I heard the boy tell one of the players, "You guys should be ashamed to play basketball. You stink and so does your team!" A direct quote from his father.

"I told you -- if you don't win, it doesn't mean anything," said another father. "There's no second place in basketball -- only winning counts. Nobody respects a loser!"

A mother consoled her son, "You'll do better next time."

But her husband corrected her sharply. "Don't baby him. They should have won this time. They've lost every game they played. He should feel bad."

Unkind comments about coaches, and plenty of free advice going around -- and it seemed to be catching. There were also some unkind words between players. One high school student said, "I don't see how they can continue to play, I'd die of embarrassment!" to which his friend replied, "I wouldn't be part of a losing team!"

Be a Good Sport: Just a Theory?

How do you console a player on a losing team? Do you let them quit, because they're not winning? Do you let them throw in the towel and say "I quit", because it's too painful to continue? Is the game not worth playing if you're going to lose?

The issue that bothers me as a parent, is the message that is sent to our children. When youngsters see their parents and loved ones downing another coach or team because they lose, what value does this put on the worth of a person? We all know we should be "good sports" and not show "unsportsmanlike like conduct" but do we really know what that means?

Does it mean we stop short of poking the ref in the nose, or giving an offensive gesture to a player's parent? Does it mean we can say anything we want, as long as those in charge don't hear what we say? Do we need so desperately to recapture our own youthful times, we need to play out those games through our children?

Even In Losing, We Win Self Respect

Let me tell you what I saw recently that was important.

I saw young men get out on the floor and play as a team despite teasing and unkind comments. Not chewing at each other, but working together. I saw with pride, that even though they were losing, they were excited because they were scoring more points than in any other game. Whispers of "I don't care if we win, let's just break 20 points!" The excitement gleamed on every sweaty little face, and shone in bright eyes as they huddled together in a time out. The coach grinned and shrugged, and explained, they've never hit 20 points, so they're excited! They hit 20, then 22 points.

Yes, they lost -- but they won! They felt so good about how well they played together, and how many points they scored. The "losing" didn't matter because they played well.

There is so much to be said for losing. In losing, sometimes we win. We can reset our values and goals to be so much more than whom out scored who. Did we play well? If not, what can we do better next time? Young players learn more than how to put points on the scoreboard. They learn feelings, anger, frustration, joy, defeat. Victory can come from more than just the scoreboard.

How You Play Is Important In Life as Well

How you play -- both winning and losing -- is important. We do not always win in life. And as adults, we know our children will not always get what they want. Life will not always be fair. It will not always be kind. People can and will be cruel.

When you lose something, you have to search to find a replacement. You have to search out feelings, vent them and deal with them. You have to think them through, and decide what action to take, or what to let go. The way you deal with something unfair may be the difference between whether you "win". Do you see yourself reflected in the scoreboard? How do you value yourself, in points scored, or in progress made?

Lessons The Scoreboard Doesn't Teach You

As ridiculous as it may sound, I actually believe losing is good for children. Winning is a wonderful high, and it's a tribute to hard work, skill and effort. But winning doesn't always bring the soul-searching questions and character building traits that a loss can bring. We learn about who we are, and what we value when we lose. It takes strength of character to be an underdog. It takes guts to not quit. Quitting can be the easy way out. Sticking something through until the end is hard -- especially when it's painful.

But in the end, a sense of pride can overcome the pain of loss. Sticking with someone through the hard times -- being part of something because you made a commitment -- and you're going to see it through together. The Lord called us to follow Him, and that's not popular either. It takes conviction and courage to do what's right and live by it; much harder to practice than quit. Our walk with the Lord is likened to a race that we are to run with "diligence", to press toward the "mark" and the prize at the end -- eternal life.

Life Applications:

Think about what lessons you are teaching your children. Are you sending them the message to win at all costs?

Is it just a game you are playing, or are you helping to shape a young person's character and perspective on life?

Will they handle those difficult times with grace and dignity? Will they win with grace and humility, or with mocking and salt rubbing?

What track will your example and attitude put your young person on?

Copyright 2002 by Carlene Smart
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