Smart FAMILY VALUES

Expressing Anger Constructively

by Carlene Smart

Unfortunately, there are always school bullies. Those that, for various reasons, seek out other children who are different in some way -- seek them out and make them the target for well aimed darts of ridicule, teasing, sarcasm, labeling and often physical torments.

As much as the school systems like to say they have a handle on school violence, there are subtle ways to violently assault someone without leaving a visible scar. Even in some local schools that promote their Civil Rights teams, members of these Teams are often the greatest bullies.

Let me define what my term "bully" is. It's an individual who seeks to use another person's "weakness or difference" as leverage to get others to dislike or tease that person, or in some manner make that person feel inferior in appearance or personality. Physical bullies are obvious, and their physical acts, though sometimes subtle -- a jab in the ribs, an "accidental" foot in the isle, or a slight push that causes a fall -- tend to speak for themselves. Bullying can also take the form of vandalism of personal belongings -- papers ripped up, books knocked off a desk, or items missing from one's backpack.

Roll Over and Play Dead?

Yes, my children have seen things like this happen to them and to their friends. I am sure your children have, too. Sometimes they tell, but often they do not because they fear that the fallout will be worse than before they told.

I have seen children tormented because they were over-weight, because they didn't dress the same as others, or for no other reason than the "I don't like them" attitude. I've seen my own children tormented because they love Jesus, and take a stand as Christians to try and live for Him. They've often been told, "Well, you can't fight back because it wouldn't be really Christian-like if you did, would it?"

So after you've tried to be friends -- tried telling those in authority-- tried ignoring the behavior -- and nothing has worked, what do you do?

"Anger Isn't Always Bad, It's All in How You Manage It"

I'm currently studying how to manage anger and confront without attacking, so I can help my children to better handle "their" feelings. One thing we have learned: the only behavior you can really change is your own. You cannot always change a person's teasing or putdowns, but you can change how you look at it, and how you choose to react.

Some options for dealing with put downs will depend on the relationship with the people involved. For example:

Stop the Action
Say "I don't want to hear any more about that" or simply keep silent and deliver a blank stare.

Confront Directly
Say "I feel really rotten about what you just said. I'd like to talk to you about it."

Play the Game -- Exchanging Put-Downs (yes, it's an option)
Say "It takes one to know one" or "We can't all be wonderful like you!"

Terminate the Conversation or Relationship
End the conversation and hang up or walk away.

Deliver Stock Phrases or One liners
Say "That's not true" or "I don't agree"
If you respond assertively (not aggressively) to put downs, it helps to avoid carrying them around, letting them roll around in ones head, and gradually believing what's being said.

How You were Taught (or not ) to Deal with Anger Counts

Expressing Anger Constructively is something children and adults need to know how to do. Unfortunately, not everyone was taught how to do this. Coming from an Alcoholic home background, I learned to ignore my feelings and only go with what was safe. I took whatever people dished out, or did the opposite and smacked back. Either way was unhealthy.

Because of these patterns, I'm purposely finding the missing pieces of the puzzle and learning you can confront without losing your temper or without walking away believing the worst of yourself.

My children are also learning to take responsibility for their own normal, angry feelings. Admit when you're angry and don't blame it on another -- no one but you can make you feel angry.

You can express your angry feelings at the time you become angry, because build up leads to a blow up! By expressing angry feelings honestly and assertively, no one gets hurt. And communicating those feelings in a way that doesn't put the other person on the defensive is a skill that can be learned.

My family has learned that when anger is intense, we use nondestructive physical activities to blow off steam. One method we use is to write what's going on, or draw it then rip it up. Walking, pounding a pillow, tossing a basketball, or jogging are also good steam releases.

Last but not least, we are changing the way we express our anger -- using less threatening ways -- avoiding the blaming or putting down of another person. I'm getting angry. Cut it out. I don't like what you're doing. I get mad when you do that. I don't like that behavior. Stop hassling me. If you combine the "I" statement, with a request it works even better. "I get angry that I have to pick up your dirty clothes every morning .I would appreciate you walking them to the hamper before you leave from now on."

I hope this information helps you a little, I know it's helping us to make changes in our family and the way we react (or not) and how much we can control and what we have to let go.

Have a good week!

Life Applications:

Can you remember a time you lost your temper? How did it feel?

Can you stop and count to 10, or walk away before you lose control? Why or why not?

How was anger handled in your family? Did it work? Does it affect how you react to angry feelings now?

Your Challenge: Keep track of how many "You" messages and accusations you make that might put someone on the defensive. Practice changing the "You" into I statements.

Copyright 2002 by Carlene Smart
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